Periodically, I used to
observe myself minutely, so as to keep negative tendencies in check. Once, on
‘Newshour’ on Times Now, I derided
Renuka Chowdhury from the Congress. She had been trying to block all arguments
against Robert Vadra, and, in response, I mocked her for ‘rolling [her] eyes
and making faces’ instead of answering the nation. She was understandably
angry, but many viewers were highly tickled.
For the next two days, there was a flurry of emails, texts, Facebook
posts and tweets that expressed amusement and applauded me for an ‘apt retort’.
I began gloating over my sharp riposte.
It was on the third day
that I suddenly realized what a monster I was becoming! Instead of apologizing
to Renuka on air, I had taken delight in offending her.
My ego was getting the
better of me; I was bursting with self-importance.
During the height of
movement, I used to participate in TV panel discussions almost every night; in
public places, people started recognizing me, praising my arguments or making
suggestions. One day, at the Mumbai airport, I caught myself trying to make eye
contact with people, hungry for recognition. I had to stop myself. What was I
doing?
All my life, I had mocked
those who took themselves far too seriously, who were pompous and sought the
limelight. A white khadi shirt clad politician with gold rings on his fingers
and thick gold chains around the neck was my idea of the absurd. While I had
not yet become that man, I recognized
that my attitude needed a complete rethink.
There is a Marathi poem
that goes: ‘There was once a man who peed into the sea; he spent his life
measuring how much the sea level had risen because of his pee.’ Was I travelling to the point of becoming
that man?
I had erred in a similar manner as far back as 2007. While
reconnecting with my spiritual self, through a process called ‘sun gazing’, I
had energized my mind and body to such an extent that I had no desire to
consume food. Instead of acknowledging the science guiding this, I gave all credit
to ‘my spiritual evolution’. My family started broadcasting my ‘powers’, and as
people started visiting me with wonder, my conceit only grew. When, after a
twenty-eight-day fast—which left me feeling, not depleted, but energized—I got
a call from my mother-in-law, I found myself gloating, full of pride at my
achievement. Suddenly I stopped myself. I approached my wife Minal and said,
‘This is not my true path. Siddhi—miraculous power—has a way of distracting one
from the goal of self-realization. I have strayed.’ Instead of humbling my mind
before a higher power, I had allowed myself to grow vain.
I had brought myself in
check back then; it was time to fashion myself again. I had to stop being an attention-junkie. To
bring balance back to my life, I had to embrace anonymity—till such time that I
learnt equanimity. I informed the media management team of the party that I had
no desire to appear on television shows henceforth. The party wasn’t
pleased—they believed I added value by being a spokesperson—but deep within I
knew I’d turn into a liability for myself and the party if I remained
self-obsessed.
For over a year, I did not appear
on television debates. It was only when I grew confident that I’d be able to
handle recognition without digressing from my path that I resumed media appearances—and
that too, very rarely. I had moved on.
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